42 percent of sons lose their fathers suddenly; the other 58 percent lose them to a long illness or old age

65 percent of sons say that at the time of the father's death, it affected them more than any previous loss in their lives

61 percent of sons cry over the deaths of their fathers (in the first month after the loss)

a man who had a bad relationship with his father in childhood is twice as likely as a man who had a good relationship to have problems dealing with his father's death

12 percent of sons use alcohol or drugs to cope in the aftermath of the death, including a quarter of men who are ages 18 to 32 when the death occurred

a man's relationship with his spouse or partner is twice as likely to get better than worse following the death of the man's father

68 percent of sons dream about their deceased fathers

93 percent of sons who get involved in the late-life care of their fathers say that such involvement helps them later in coping with the loss

79 percent of sons say they resolved their relationships with their fathers by the time of the father's death; nonetheless, 55 percent still have regrets about things they did or didn't do when their fathers were alive

8 percent of sons seek professional help to deal with the loss, and 96 percent of those sons say the help is valuable in coping with the death.

MORE ABOUT THE SURVEY

In 1999, author Neil Chethik contracted with The University of Kentucky Survey Research Center (UKSRC) to conduct a nationwide telephone survey of men whose fathers had died. Many of the survey results are reported in Chethik's book, FatherLoss: How Sons of All Ages Come to Terms With the Deaths of Their Dads (Hyperion, $23.95). Following is a brief overview of The FatherLoss Survey results, along with a sampling of the questions and responses. Note that this is NOT the complete survey.

A total of 306 interviews were conducted from April 20 to May 14, 1999, lasting an average of just over 16 minutes.

Characteristics of the sample are as follows:

• ages ranged from 18 to 87, with the average age being 54 and the median age being 53 years old
  
  
• the men identified 42 different states (and several foreign countries) as being their "native" state, with 19.6 percent being from the Northeast, 29.7 percent from the Midwest, 15.7 percent from the West, 31.4 percent from the South, and 3.6 percent from other countries
  
  
• 82 percent described their racial or ethnic background as white, 11.4 percent as African-American, and the remaining 6.6 percent as Hispanic, Asian, multiracial, or other
  
  
• 91.8 percent had earned a high school diploma or GED, 26.3 percent had attended some college or earned an associate or vocational/technical degree, while the remaining 36.2 percent had earned at least a bachelors degree
  
  
• Among those who were employed, the top four categories of jobs were "executive, administrative and managerial" (30.2 percent), "professional specialty" (22.1 percent), "technicians and related support" (13.4 percent), and "machine operators, assemblers, and inspectors" (9.3 percent)
  
  
• 39.2 percent were regular attendees of religious services, 28.8 percent attended no more than twice a month, and 32 percent almost never attended or had no religious preference.
  
  
• The fathers of the respondents died as long ago as 1917 and as recently as 1999, with the median year reported as 1983. The father's age at the time of death ranged from 26 to 97 with the average age being 65.3 years.
  
  
• The respondents' ages at the time of their father's death ranged from 3 to 74 with the average age being 33.5 and the median being 34 years old.

Following is a sampling of the questions and results:

1. Did your father die suddenly, or was it after an extended illness during which he needed care?

Died suddenly ................... 42.0 percent 
After  an extended illness....... 55.1
Old age .......................... 2.9

2. If your father needed care toward the end of his life, were you heavily involved in his care, somewhat involved, or not involved at all?

Heavily involved in his care......... 27.5
Somewhat involved.................... 28.7 
Not involved at all.................. 43.7

3. If you were involved in his care, was being involved very helpful, somewhat helpful, or not at all helpful to you in coping with your father's death?

Very helpful ....................... 52.2 
Somewhat helpful.................... 41.3 
Not helpful at all................... 6.5

4. Before your father's death, did you say good-bye to him?

Yes.........................40.3
No......................... 59.7
 

5. If you said good-bye, was saying goodbye very helpful, somewhat helpful, or not at all helpful to you in coping with your father's death?

Very helpful.................... 54.3
Somewhat helpful................ 27.6 
Not helpful at all.............. 18.1

6. Did you ever talk with your father about the possibility of his death?

Yes...................... 32.1
No....................... 67.9
 

7. If you talked with your father about his death, was talking about this very helpful, somewhat helpful, or not at all helpful to you in coping with his death?

Very helpful............. 50
Somewhat helpful......... 33.3
Not helpful at all....... 16.7
 

8. Overall, would you say you had resolved your relationship with your father at the time of his death?

Yes............................. 79.2
No.............................. 20.8

9. At the time of your father's death, did it affect you more than any previous death you'd experienced?

Yes.............................. 60.1
No............................... 34.9 
It was first death experienced.... 5.0

10. Did you attend a funeral or death ritual for your father?

Yes............................ 89.9
No............................. 10.1

11. If you attended a funeral or death ritual for your father, was attending very helpful, somewhat helpful, or not at all helpful to you in coping with your father's death?

Very helpful.................... 43.5
Somewhat helpful................ 38.8 
Not helpful at all.............. 17.7
 

12. Did you participate in a funeral or death ritual for your father?

Yes....................... 56.3 
No........................ 43.7 

13. If you participated, was participating very helpful, somewhat helpful, or not at all helpful to you in coping with your father's death?

Very helpful..................... 49.7
Somewhat helpful................. 36.7
Not helpful at all............... 13.6 

14. Did you see your father's body before the burial or cremation?

Yes............................ 80.9
No............................. 19.1

15. If you saw your father's body, was seeing the body very helpful, somewhat helpful, or not at all helpful in coping with your father's death?

Very helpful...................... 38.5 
Somewhat helpful.................. 35.4
Not helpful at all................ 26.1
 

16. If you didn't see your father's body, do you now regret not seeing the body?

Yes.................. 20.7
No................... 79.3

17. During the first month following the death, did you cry a lot, a little, or not at all?

Cried a lot.................... 19.4
Cried a little................. 41.2 
Did not cry.................... 39.5
 

18. During the month following the death, did you take prescription medication to control nerves or relieve depression?

Yes................. 2.0 
No................. 98.0

19. During the month following the death, did you use alcohol or non-prescription drugs to help cope with the loss?

Yes.................. 9.8 
No.................. 90.2 

20. In the two years following your father's death, did you feel more mature, less mature, or no difference?

More mature................. 39.8
Less mature.................. 3.7
No difference............... 56.5

21. In the two years following his death, did you experience more concern about your own mortality, less concern about your own mortality, or no difference?

More concern.................. 30.9 
Less concern..................  3.0
No difference................. 66.1 

22. In the two years following your father's death, did you become more religious, less religious, or no difference?

More religious............... 13.5
Less religious................ 2.0
No difference................ 84.5 

23. In the two years following your father's death, did your overall relationship with your siblings get better, worse or was there no difference?

Better.......................... 28.8 
Worse............................ 7.5
No difference................... 63.7

24. In the two years following your father's death, did your relationship with your children get better, worse or was there no difference?

Better.......................... 26.3 
Worse.............................. 0 
No difference................... 73.7

25. In the two years following your father's death, did your marriage or committed relationship get better, worse or was there no difference?

Better.......................... 18.6
Worse........................... 10.3
No difference................... 71.1 

26. In the two years following your father's death, did your overall relationship with your mother get better, worse or was there no difference?

Better......................... 44.2
Worse........................... 4.0
No difference.................. 51.8 

27. In the two years following your father's death, was your mother very helpful, somewhat helpful, or not at all helpful in coping with your father's death?

Very helpful................ 37.2
Somewhat helpful............ 28.5
Not helpful at all.......... 34.3
 

28. During the two years following the death, did you have physical symptoms or illnesses that you believe were related to your father's death?

Yes........................ 13.2 
No......................... 86.8 

29. In the two years following your father's death, did your work become more important to you, less important, or no difference?

More important................. 19.7 
Less important.................. 8.8
 No difference................. 71.5

30. Has your spouse or partner been very helpful, somewhat helpful, not at all helpful in your coping process?

Very helpful....................... 63.8
Somewhat helpful................... 25.6
Not helpful at all................. 10.6 

31. Have female friends or relatives been very helpful, somewhat helpful, or not at all helpful?

Very helpful.......................... 32.0
Somewhat helpful...................... 42.1 
Not helpful at all.................... 25.9
 

32. Have male friends or relatives been very helpful, somewhat helpful, or not at all helpful?

Very helpful......................... 28.8
Somewhat helpful..................... 42.8
Not helpful at all................... 28.4

33. Have you received professional help from anyone, such as a psychologist, counselor, or clergy-person, since the death of your father?

Yes......................... 7.5 
No......................... 92.5

34. If you received professional help, was it very helpful, somewhat helpful, or not at all helpful in your coping with the death of your father?

Very helpful...................... 68.2 
Somewhat helpful.................. 27.3
Not helpful at all................. 4.5
 

35. Since your father's death, have you dreamed about him frequently, occasionally or never?

Frequently........................  8.9
Occasionally...................... 59.3
Never............................. 31.8

36. Since your father died, have you written about him in letters, a journal, an obituary, or other form?

Yes.............................. 24.5
No............................... 75.5
 

37. Since your father died, have you spent time with mementoes of his, such as photographs of him, or personal items he once owned?

Yes........................... 71.8 
No............................ 28.2

38. Since your father died, have you taken up hobbies, sports or other activities in which he was previously involved?

 Yes........................... 19.1
 No............................ 80.9

39. Since your father died, have you ever talked to, prayed to, or in some other way attempted to communicate with your father?

Yes........................... 28.2
No............................ 71.8 

40. Since your father's death, do you notice yourself acting or speaking like him at times?

Yes.......................... 53.6
No........................... 46.4

41. Do you find yourself angry at times with your father, even now after his death?

Yes.......................... 19.1
No........................... 80.9

42. Do you find yourself regretful about things you did or didn't do when your father was alive?

Yes..........................  54.8
No............................ 45.2 

43. Do you have any problems in your life now, that you believe resulted from losing your father?

Yes.......................... 10.0
No........................... 90.0 

The above questionnaire was developed by Neil Chethik in consultation with Dr. Ronald Langley, director of the University of Kentucky Survey Research Center, and Dr. Robert Kastenbaum, professor emeritus at Arizona State University.

The sample was selected using a Waksberg Random Digit Dialing method which resulted in every household in the continental United States with a telephone having an equal probability of being selected. The margin of error is plus-or-minus 5.6 percent at the 95-percent confidence level. The response rate was 45.3 percent.

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